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  • Bucket List – Done and dusted
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  • This is Me – May 2015
  • This was Me – August 2014

RuthsArc

~ Looking forward, looking back & enjoying now.

RuthsArc

Category Archives: midlife

The early hours

07 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by RuthsArc in all about me, midlife, one with nature

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

insomnia

I’m awake.
My head says I should be asleep.
I’ve tossed and turned for a while.
My arm has gone numb so I change position again.
I don’t want to look at the clock.
My body feels tired.
My mind won’t switch off.
The gentle snoring next to me is not soothing,
It is a frustration.
I check the time.
4.21 am.
I’m thirsty.
I get up.
I make a mug of tea.
I walk to the lounge window.
The night sky is beautiful this morning.
A waning quarter moon,
Just a few small fleeting clouds.
The lights of Hobart in the distance,
Reflecting on the harbour.

We have a wonderful waterfront view,
From our lounge and balcony.
I stand in the dark.
Orion is instantly recognisable.
It was the first constellation I learned
in my early astronomy classes.
A favourite.
Although now upside down to the
northern hemisphere pattern.
I see Taurus, Aries, Pegasus, Pisces.
Familiar formations in the northern sky.
But to the south, still so much to learn.
I can recognise Crux, the Southern Cross
and it’s two pointer stars.
The brighter one, Alpha Centauri,
is the closest star to Earth.
I look to the southern sky,
with a phone app to guide me,
until I identify two more constellations,
Canis Major and Puppis.

Something catches my eye.
A light moving across the sky,
north to south east.
Sky Guide confirms my thought,
ISS.
The International Space Station
glides amongst the stars.
A steady light as it travels,
in it’s orbit.
A circuit of the Earth
every ninety minutes.
Six people living in space.
Working in zero gravity,
to increase our understanding
of various aspects of science.
What a view they have of our world
from four hundred kilometres high.
Multiple sunrise, sunsets.
An aerial view of continents and oceans.
Our home planet.

Now, as I write this,
Listening to music,
Time is irrelevant.
The sky is lightening in the east.
I can hear birds awakening.
Ducks are swimming.
Early kayaker’s are paddling by.
Traffic increases towards the city.
Sea birds search for breakfast,
perch on rocks,
as the tide goes out.
Black sky turns to blue,
orange, turquoise.
Vivid colours constantly changing.
The stars gradually disappear.
The moon follows it’s path
towards the west.
Orange fades to yellow.
The sun inches above the horizon,
lighting the world for a brand new day.

No matter what occurs in the daylight hours
Something good has already happened today

d 1
d 2
d 3
d 4
d 5
d 6
d 7

Pre-tirement

24 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by RuthsArc in all about me, fifty something, midlife, more to life

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

me, quotes

I’ve come across this new term this week – “pre-tirement”.

Apparently it is the state that my 50 plus age group, now tend to ease into, as the state pension age has extended, we have longer life expectancy, better health and changing economic circumstances.

We no longer expect to work full time until we are 60 years old (for women) or 65 (for men) as previous generations did. We don’t expect a life long career or one job for life with a gold watch or carriage clock at the end, then a move to a cottage by the sea or in the countryside. We know we will probably have to work into our seventies but we want to work on our terms, at a slower pace, maybe in a different career than in our 20’s or 30’s or 40’s.

We are happy to work but want flexibility for time out to travel, to add to our talents, try new things, see new places, to re-invent ourselves, to explore and enjoy a new phase of life now our own are kids are grown and independent.

I, for one, am looking forward to pre-tirement.

best days

Raising teenagers in a new millennium

04 Tuesday Nov 2014

Posted by RuthsArc in all about me, midlife, remembering / musing

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

family, me

The girls got older, more independent. At times, the girls seemed close in age, interested in similar things, played nicely together. At other times they were miles apart, on totally different wavelengths. As parents, generally we stayed one step ahead of them, prepared for the next age and stage. Occasionally they raced ahead and we had to figuratively catch up.

The girls had swimming lessons on Saturday mornings. I aimed for lessons as late as possible and for S~E and C~M who where in separate groups, to have classes at the same time. Just as I got this organised, one girl would be promoted to the next level and it would all get out of sync again. My nightmare was when S~E reached the top class that started at 7.50 am. For a working Mum who had to get the family up and out five days a week, this was an unwanted commitment for a Saturday morning. The girls often told me off for chatting with the other Mum’s and missing their achievements in the pool. C~M wanted to go ice skating but lessons were on Sunday mornings and I needed one day a week to relax, not have to be anywhere at a fixed time. So no ice skating. Sorry kid.

Secondary school was a whole new experience but S~E soon settled. She made new friends and got involved in school activities.

Our girls went to the local infant school, depending on the catchment area where we lived at the time. We were very lucky with the school and the principles it instilled. General good manners, respect for others, walking inside, no running, sitting quietly for assembly. Each class took assembly, even from reception class, so the kids were used to standing up in front of the whole school. It gave them all such confidence.

Their secondary school was also very good with the life skills, and social awareness, the school did not just concentrate on academic achievements. There were the usual sports, music, art and drama but also recognition for being “ good citizens”, there were prefects but also “big brother / big sister” mentoring programmes.

It is great now that our girls are adults, to see these values are an unconscious part of their character, to see them live these principles in their daily lives.

S~E’s first concert at secondary school – She played saxophone and a girl friend played clarinet. They wanted to perform a duet in the Christmas concert. Fine, we had heard them practice and knew what to expect. We weren’t prepared for the sixth form boys who were the backing band. I turned to Aussie Mate and asked if he was ready for our 12 year old daughter to be friends with these 17 year old lads. He hadn’t thought of that!

The girls were untidy, their rooms were a mess. Constant nagging to clean up resulted in a clean room, until you opened a wardrobe door, then an avalanche fell out. Both girls enjoyed rearranging their rooms. They both tried having the bed out across the room, half way along the wall. Until I realised that it all looked tidy from the door, but stuff was hidden on the other side of the bed. We’d always had “no food upstairs” rule, so it was always a clean mess, no dirty plates, or food packets or mould experiments. As older teens, we accepted that they had “floordrobes” and generally looked crumpled. They certainly didn’t iron any clothes.

At one point, Aussie Mate stated that as owner of the property we had rights to enter all rooms, without notice, to inspect or search for contraband, illegal substances! But we chose our battles and eventually accepted the untidy bedrooms as long as it didn’t encroach on the rest of the house. We did nag when clutter spread out on to the landing. “Clear this mess, you do not have a porch to your room!”

We all need rules and boundaries. “A river without banks is a large puddle.”

S~E asked for a lock for her bedroom. We said no. As she was fed up with her little sister “borrowing” things from her room and never returning them, one day she pushed her bed up to the door so that only she could get in. She was the skinny one in the family. This lasted for a few days until I stated it was as fire hazard and she moved the bed.

We needed new strategies and disciplines for teenagers. We docked pocket money, we insisted on additional chores, the worst being to clean the toilet. We grounded them on occasion. The girls called us “the meanest parents in the whole wide world.”

At one point we removed a bedroom door for a few days. That was very effective and got her attention. Teenagers certainly value their privacy. It wasn’t an original idea, we had seen it in a film.

She wrote to an agony aunt in a teen magazine, with the usual “It’s not fair” complaints. And she asked me for a stamp in order to post it. I gave her the stamp. “Sometimes being a good parent is knowing when not to parent, to let life takes its course.”

The Will of a thirteen year old…
“Dad – nothing
Mum – half of my savings – don’t share with Dad
Sister – half of my savings – don’t share with Dad
Friends – my toys and stuff.”

S~E was studying music, played sax, keyboard and didgeridoo. She wanted to learn the drums. Oh joy! She began constantly drumming, tapping, beating out a rhythm, with anything, pens, cutlery, toothbrush, my knitting needles. We gave in and bought her an electronic drum kit for her sixteenth birthday. It had headphones but we still swapped the girls bedrooms so drums were over the garage, not above the lounge. She was a happy girl though.

We had many conversations / discussions / rows (?) with a girl sat on the stairs, me standing on the downstairs hallway. Talking through the bannisters as if one of us is in jail. We had the silent treatment, stomping, doors slammed. But they knew the rules in our house. Just as when they were little, they pushed the limits with us, at home, and were generally well behaved when out. That is the way it should be.

They changed, developed, did well with school work (most of the time). They lolled about the house and had phases when everything (and I mean everything) was an effort. They had pyjama days during the school holidays when they didn’t get up until the afternoon.

After S~E had sex education class at school and had seen the teacher put a condom on a banana, I gave her a packet of condoms so she could open them in her own time, know what they felt like. I didn’t realise that she carried them around in her school bag and her friends all knew about them and that “S~E’s Mum gave them to her”. Oh.

Then…. Gradually…. You realise that life is quieter, there are fewer moans and groans, normal family conversations resume. You realise that tensions have eased, that the girls offer to do chores without being asked, that perhaps you are coming to the end of the teenage phase.

I knew I was winning, when I returned to studying, and a seventeen year old S~E told me that I wouldn’t concentrate on my homework properly in the lounge, reading an astronomy book with the tv on. Also when C~M was minding a friends children in her late teens and told the little kids that they couldn’t play with bouncy balls on the bus as they’d bounce away. To hear some of my own words and warnings come from their mouths proved that all my nagging had obviously been worthwhile.

We successfully completed “the parents of teenagers” challenge. Thanks girls for making it relatively easy!

Raising kids 1990’s style

03 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by RuthsArc in all about me, midlife, remembering / musing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

family, me

As we pack up our home, I’ve now started to re-read the journals that I have kept over the past twenty five years.

The first few books were fairly mundane, covering pregnancy, baby milestones, juggling work and parenthood. There were details on well remembered events such as our first family trip to Australia, first meetings with my in-laws. There were comments on some world events.

We were obviously rather frazzled as parents of a three year old and a baby in the first few months after I returned to work. There were several diary entries about our morning hassle to get out of the house on time, drop the girls at our child minder, Aussie Mate to the station and myself to work locally. The girls must have sensed our stress and pushed the limits accordingly.

“I don’t like you Mummy!”
“ I don’t care whether you like me or not, you still have to get dressed!”
Tough love on our part.

A year later, another morning, the usual “Hurry up, we’re late” and the reply ”But you chose to have two babies so it’s your fault.”

One morning I followed the girls into the bedroom to find both jumping on the bed. Toddler rolled off.
“It wasn’t me Mummy. She fell up by herself”

During potty training phase we let her wander around without a nappy. Not such a good idea when she stood beside our bed and wee’d on a clock radio that happened to be on the floor. Fizz, bang, dead radio.

When trained there were still occasional accidents. She wet her knickers in the supermarket, but I didn’t realise until we got out to the car. I don’t know what sort of trail we left around the shop. Most of it was in the shopping trolley seat and over Aussie Mates beers.

Two days before a fourth birthday.
“I can’t bloody do this Mum!” whilst trying to cut out a paper snake.

I’d forgotten that she didn’t like going to nursery.
“They make me do work and make me cross my legs too much!”

Words she couldn’t pronounce – aminals and hostipal.

“Do you want cheese on toast?”
“Yes but without the cheese.”

We didn’t have baby monitors. If the girls cried or called we’d respond accordingly, go to them if it seemed serious, leave them a while if they just wanted attention.

We only had baby gates at the top of the stairs, they soon learned to crawl up the stairs from the lounge and to slide down safely on their stomach or bottom. At times we put a coffee table in the way to stop them climbing if we couldn’t be there to watch them.

Younger kids certainly learn from their older siblings, but C~M also tried things that her sister never thought of.

I undressed her one evening and jumped a mile when I found a big black plastic spider inside her clothes. I don’t know if she put it there, or one of the boys at the child minder’s, but she knew it was very funny.

“Major achievement today was finding all the pieces of C~M’s toys. S~E has had a name train for two years and we’ve never lost any of the shapes. C~M has one for two days and there is only one piece left! I found one part in the laundry box, one hidden in the bathroom, one in a bag of paper rubbish.”

She used to climb down from her sister’s top bunk, to sit on the waist high windowsill to look at a book. She did fall off a few times but that didn’t deter her.

We tried to enjoy relaxed Sunday mornings as a contrast to hectic weekday mornings. Tea and toast in bed with Sunday newspapers, while the girls pottered about. There were occasional dramas…
…..C~M (aged two and half) went to the bathroom to do a wee. S~E (aged five and half) went downstairs to get another drink. She suddenly shouted DAD !!!. He ran downstairs to find water dripping through the kitchen ceiling. I met C~M coming out of the bathroom, soaked from her neck to her knees. She had both taps on and the plug in the sink and yes, a good waterfall.
…..Less than two weeks later, we had water through the kitchen ceiling again. We were downstairs, the girls were upstairs starting to get washed and dressed. S~E was in the bedroom, C~M in the bathroom. The wrong arrangement of people and rooms! More mopping up. We removed the plug from the bathroom sink!

The tone of my journals alters when we changed things, when we were obviously more stressed. When I started a new job, commuting back into London. When we had a nanny for a year, after four years of a child minder. When she started school.

I didn’t get to be at the school gate very often as I worked full time. But I made a point of getting to know some of the Mum’s. They were helpful to bounce ideas, discuss concerns, share views and suggestions of family friendly places to visit. This informal network was invaluable, especially when they had older kids and had been through the various age stages before. This is an aspect of the old style extended family format that modern society misses out on.

“Life doesn’t come running to you – you have to go chasing after it.”

Some years were tough, but those years prompted us to make changes in our lifestyle and work life balance. Aussie Mate was a house husband for a year, happy being one of the few Dad’s at the school gate. The family dynamics changed considerably, less money but more time together. The girls had a much closer relationship with their Dad, even thought C~M told him that he didn’t know how to play dolls properly.

In her first week at school, we discovered one afternoon that she’d forgotten to put on knickers when she got herself dressed in the morning. “But Mum, my teacher doesn’t know I went to school without knickers, because the day I forgot them, Mrs H forgot to do PE”.

Things changed again with both girls in school. Aussie Mate got a local job on permanent night shifts. This worked for us, as he continued to do the school run and sleep during the day.

At five and a half, C~M wanted to leave home on Saturday morning. She was cross with me. “Mum, I’m going to leave home but I need you to take me to school. Once I’m there I know my way to C’s house, but I don’t know my way from here, so can you take me?” I persuaded her to wait until after swimming. Back home, she packed some clothes into a bag. Then she wanted to go to the park first “but I’m still leaving home later!” When she realised I wasn’t going to take her, she sat out on the garden wall for ages.

They grew up. Friendships developed. They pushed the boundaries at home but knew there would be consequences. The girls remember having to stand in the naughty corner (not sit), if they were both in trouble, sitting back to back on the lounge floor with hands on their heads, or fingers on their lips. At times I made them write lines. They remember no jumping on the furniture, no watching tv whilst doing homework, table manners and asking to leave the table at the end of a meal, helping to clear the table, wash dishes, put dirty clothes in the laundry basket. But they learned to contribute to the family and they learned self discipline.

Then we were parents of teenagers!

“By the time we realise our parents were right, our children are telling us we are wrong.”

Goodbye red ugg boots

19 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by RuthsArc in all about me, fifty something, midlife, one with nature, remembering / musing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

astronomy, Australia, beach, me, Sydney

I’m going to have to throw them out. They are too worn. They are uncomfortable now. They are grubby.

But they are special. I bought them in July last year, in Sydney whilst on our silver wedding anniversary holiday.

They were cosy as I spent many hours sitting out on our beach apartment balcony overlooking the Pacific Ocean, star gazing, watching the moon rise, watching sun rises, on special days, watching dolphins swim, jump and dive in the shallows.

Midlife insomnia was a pure joy, not the usual nuisance. I’d wake at 2am to a beautiful clear sky, so I’d go and sit out on the balcony looking at the last quarter moon and southern stars. Some days I was too late to see the moon rise but I loved the sky. I used the ipad skywalk app to identify stars and constellations. I was awake and would stay up for a couple of hours, have a cup of tea, I did go back to bed for a few hours.

I was very aware of the rhythm of life, the sound of the waves on the beach, the sound of Aussie Mate’s breathing next to me. It was all very calming, very peaceful. Back to nature, back to basics. I’ve never lived by the sea before.

I’d get up again just after 6am as the sky began to lighten. Sirius and an upside down Orion was clearly visible out over the ocean. Again I went out on the balcony as I watched the sun rise behind distant clouds. Just stunning. Each day was a new spectacular sky scene.

100_2812

100_2832

100_2933

100_3319

I loved “my balcony, my beach, my ocean”, some mornings there was the added bonus of eye candy with surfers out. It was interesting watching them and how the waves moved them along the beach southwards. I soon learnt how the waves and ocean changed with the weather and onshore or offshore winds.

I love my red uggs, so warm and comfortable. I have other uggs, but these have distinctive memories.

R Balcony

Time

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by RuthsArc in all about me, fifty something, midlife, more to life

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Tags

me, time

“Time is like water, it always finds it’s own level”.

This is another insomnia blog post. It’s 2.30am and my mind is wide awake, even if my body does not feel the same way. My mind will not switch off at the moment, so rather than lying in bed, awake, I am listening to some soothing music and contemplating time.

I heard my Aunt say the above quote a few days ago, when I stated that my life is busy even though I no longer commute for two hours or work for seven hours in an office. How can my weekdays still be so full?

This is the end of my first month of non-employment. On occasion, it still feels as though I am “bunking off” but it definitely has a different sense to being on holiday from work.

We have not been restricted by time. We turned off our alarms and we wake to our own body clocks. We have slept longer so feel less tired. We spend time with the morning newspapers, with some online updates, or with a book. We sit down together for breakfast, take our time rather than eating on the go or whilst multitasking.

We have removed time pressures, so we are able to walk to places, rather than jump in the car. We joined a local gym and walk there each day. We are building up time on the various equipment, then have a swim, sauna, steam and jacuzzi. That takes up a couple of hours of our day, but we do not have a fixed time to go, sometimes it’s morning, sometimes afternoon. We have learnt the hectic times to avoid but we are not limited to a class timetable.

I’m drinking more tea, but enjoying it, noticing the taste, rather than drinking it unconsciously whilst focusing on a task. The same applies to a glass of wine, to our meals.

The only appointments we have set have been for social reasons, meeting friends for lunch or birthday celebrations at a fixed time and place. Lunches have drifted on through the afternoons.

I don’t often look at the clock, because it is not important now. I’m doing more spontaneous things. I saw some recipes for “cakes in cups” or “muffins in mugs” and just tried one there and then. Easy and delicious.

Time goes so slowly when I’m trying to get to sleep in the middle of the night. But now, when I am focused on something, forty minutes has gone by, the album I selected on iTunes has finished. I have written this but I have allowed my mind to wander off on tangents. (How should you punctuate with speech marks or brackets?)

There are days when I wonder if I am my own Time Lord, when it seems that I control time, that time does not dictate my day, my activities, my thoughts or actions. It is great to get lost in a task, to see where something leads, not be limited by hours or minutes. After decades of chasing time, sometimes battling against time, this is a new freedom.

Time to go back to sleep now but I don’t have to be anywhere or meet anyone until late afternoon, so if I want to sleep in to nine o’clock on this Tuesday morning, I can. Sweet dreams.

Age, self-image and demographics

11 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by RuthsArc in fifty something, midlife

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me

Now that I am away from full time employment I am seeing a different slice of life on weekdays.

In the past, I have dipped into different demographics on occasions – the new mum, out with an infant in a buggy, whilst on maternity leave – a mum at the school gates after redundancy, whilst looking for a new job.

Although there is a huge mix of people out and about during the week, there is a high proportion of mid life and older people. This is making me more aware of my age, my self-image versus how others will view me.

As an employed person in a big multinational organisation, I was part of a specific demographic. I commuted to work by train, with thousands of other people. Age was not important or noticed.

In a large open plan office, with hundreds of people on each floor, thousands in the building, I worked alongside some other “fifty somethings”, many “forty somethings” and “thirty sometings” and a few “twenty somethings”. We chatted about our home lives, commiserated about our teenage kids behaviours, the antics of younger children, the joy of babies, or grandkids, the changed dynamics with aging parents. We shared updates of our weekends, dates, pets, family and friends. We joked with the younger staff that some of us had been working in this industry since before they were born. But age was not a differentiating factor. We all shared a common purpose within the company.

I know in my head that I am a ‘fifty something’, an “empty nester”, that I am in “midlife”. But I don’t actually feel that age. I’m planning a gap year. I did that back in my twenties and want to do it again, as a slightly older, more experienced, wiser version of my twenty something self. I certainly don’t feel like a “grey nomad”.

But I will have to accept that is how the world will see me. My Aussie Mate still considers himself as a red headed guy. He doesn’t recognise himself as the bald guy with the white beard.

I am going off to re-dye my hair now!

Insomnia

24 Sunday Aug 2014

Posted by RuthsArc in all about me, midlife, one with nature

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

astronomy, insomnia, me

It’s just after 4am……..again.

I’ve been in bed for 5 hours but am suddenly awake…. Wide awake.

Sometimes I wake after only a couple of hours sleep. That is more frustrating. Today, it’s the weekend, so I have the flexibility to sleep in when I finally do go back to bed or to catch a nap later in the day if needed.

I’m not fighting it any more. I know I’m awake, so I put on a side lamp and pull out a book to read.

Or get up quietly, go downstairs, make a cup of tea and do something.

Look at the night sky, perfect time for star gazing.

Check facebook….. there is usually something new when you have family and friends in different time zones.

Look at twitter….. the world never stops.

Read the last few articles in that magazine I bought two weeks ago, rushed through, then put aside, but haven’t quite finished so it hasn’t reached the paper recycle bin yet.

Write down what is wandering around my mind. There are multiple ideas, reminders, musings to put into some sort of order.

As I am writing this, I have seen the sky lighten as the sun rises. I must add that to my bucket list, “watch more sun rises”. It is a beautiful, peaceful way to start the day.

My mug of tea is finished, my mind feels a little less hectic, so I’ll head back to bed now for an hour or two and hopefully I will sleep.

Five years ago

18 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by RuthsArc in all about me, fifty something, midlife, more to life, remembering / musing

≈ 1 Comment

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me

July 2009

I’m at an interesting place in my life – in the middle of some big numbers.
– I’m approaching my 50th birthday
– Mr A and I have just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary
– S~E is 18 and has now finished school

My life is about to change, with S~E moving to Australia in a few weeks. I will miss her when she goes, but that is part of the life and opportunities we have tried to give both her and C~M. The roots and the wings………………….. It will be a big change for C~M as well as for S~E.

Work is still crap. I really don’t want to be there. My heart just isn’t in it. But we need the salary to stay living in this house and to have the lifestyle that we are used to. We are noticing a reduced income, so our plan to be in Australia for Christmas and New Year will not materialise.

I need to think of some other way to celebrate my 50th.

Recently I have been thinking about my own mortality, I guess due to F’s breast cancer diagnosis, surgery and chemotherapy.

What do I want to do for the rest of my life?
Where do I want to be in five years time?
Once C~M has left school and home, what do I want to be doing?

I know I am drifting at the moment, waiting for changes, not really getting on with work or anything.

I need to change my attitude. I need to either commit to work, or I need to move to something else. Do I want to make the effort to change company? Do I have the energy to try to do something completely different? Do I stick this out for another few years? Do I have the energy for that? Questions, questions, questions ?????

You are not preparing towards a life that will begin at some point in the future.

This is your life, happening now, so enjoy it, use it, live it.

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